Under Water

I don't know how many of you have experienced depression, but it's not fun. For those of you who don't want to know deep things about me, stop reading now. Maybe I shouldn't share this, but I feel like I need to get it out, like I need to know if this is how it is for others who are at least relatively normal.

For me, I just sometimes fall into depression for no solid reason. In those situations it's almost like being pulled gently under water. The process of going under takes a day or two. When I start to go under, I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job at work, then I hear Christopher laugh or Reilly gives me a big hug and I bob back up above water for a little while, feeling ok again and knowing logically that I'm doing no less than I was the day before. Then I go under again, and start feeling like I'm not a good mom, like the boys deserve better. I come back up, but this time, I feel disconnected from the rest of the world; I feel a bit light-headed but my body feels heavy, like life has drained out of me. That feeling stays with me during the rest of the depression, which lasts a couple days or so. I still know that this is just a depression, that nothing is really different, that I will feel my normal self in a couple days, but I don't know how to get myself out of it. I've tried getting out of the house, doing something physical, getting things done around the house, but all I really want to do is sleep until it's over.

It's almost like an out-of-body experience, though not so pleasant or enlightening.

If you go through the same thing, I hope you at least know when you're going through it that it will go away.